Breaking the Ice: Initiating Conversations on Love and Relationships with Your Children
Story by TQ BONNER
Navigating the intricacies of discussing relationships and love with our children has become increasingly convoluted in our current times. In the early 2000s, I conversed straightforwardly with my kids, using simple terms like “man” and “woman” to describe relationships. However, these seemingly innocuous terms have now become triggers for some individuals. Having “the talk” about sex with our children now feels akin to navigating a delicate political discourse.
The pressure to address these matters without causing discomfort is immense. As a father, I acknowledge my responsibility to engage in this dialogue with my daughters and sons. My perspective as a man provides a unique angle, distinct from their mother’s understanding as a woman. While recognizing these differences may come across as insensitive, my true intention is to equip my children for the realities of the world.
Much of what I’m sharing was initially penned in 2011. Still, I am revisiting it to provide fellow fathers with insights from conversations with my daughters—a time well before the prevalence of the diverse range of perspectives we witness today.
The initial occasion on which I had “the talk” was with my eldest daughter. At that juncture, I aimed to convey the hidden gems of the “man code.” I wanted to pass on every morsel of knowledge and experience I had gathered, ensuring she was well-prepared to navigate the journey ahead.
Timing becomes a delicate balance, avoiding overloading children with information before their natural curiosity sparks. Yet, it’s equally important to refrain from delaying discussions until they inadvertently acquire misguided and incomplete knowledge from unreliable sources. Over the years, my wife meticulously laid the foundation for these discussions with our daughter.
From learning the terminology for her private body parts at age 4 to exploring the topic of childbirth origins by age 7 and understanding the process of conception and delivery by age 9, my wife and I approached the rudimentary aspects of sexual intercourse around age 11. While some might argue this timing was belated, parenthood necessitates discerning the optimal time in a child’s development. As my daughter’s 12th year marked the advent of puberty, I recognized the impending necessity of initiating a conversation.
Conversing with my twelve-year-old daughter proved more challenging than the months I endured at Marine boot camp. Every word, every sentence, carried weight. My goal was to make my daughter feel at ease, even though the experience was nerve-wracking. The opportune moment arrived as her school bus pulled up. I asked her if we could talk, commending her achievements in school before addressing the topic.
I broached the subject by acknowledging that boys were showing interest in her, a realization she was likely experiencing as well. I stressed that these feelings were natural, and thinking about sex was also natural. She was shocked at hearing the “S” word. It prompted me to explain the science of intimate relationships, emphasizing that it’s more than just physical contact—it’s a remarkable act that creates life, a powerful life energy.
I debunked misconceptions, underscoring that this act is far from a one-night stand. When a man and woman come together, the energy they produce is akin to the power of the universe. I recognized that discussions on sex were prevalent among kids your age. I don’t want you to have sex until you are 41.
My daughter laughed. I looked at her seriously and then stated, well, maybe not 41…..38. I’m not going to be able to stop your heart from being broken or even prevent you from having sex, and I want you to be at least knowledgeable so that the decision will be a conscious one. However, before I proceed, let me state that you should not kiss any boy or even think about having sex because you are too young. I hope you wait until you fall in love and get married. We talked away for around an hour.
My daughter candidly shared her lack of interest in the boys who pursued her, citing their immaturity and lack of personal hygiene. For fathers with daughters, it is essential not to leave challenging conversations solely to the mother. Our unique viewpoints and wisdom are invaluable. Little did I know that this conversation would be repeated with two girls and two boys four more times. Through these experiences, I consider myself a seasoned pro.
Throughout the years, all of my daughters have sought my insights into the mysterious realm of men. As our household adage goes, I provide them with all the “Game” and advice I can offer, ensuring they’re well-equipped to navigate relationships. Simultaneously, I imparted to my sons the necessary guidance for relationship success.
In this ever-evolving landscape of discussions around relationships, I hope that by sharing my experiences and insights, I can support fellow fathers in their journeys through the intricate world of conversations about love and relationships with their children.